Brace Yourself!

Remember all of that time that is going to free up once you retire? 

Well, I have something to tell you.  It’s not pretty, it may not even be decent, so send the children from the room.  And those of you who are medically prone to light-headedness when gasping deeply – sit down now and brace yourself.

For one word.

Housework.

There, I’ve said it. 

Housework.

While I was gainfully employed on a full-time basis, I employed a cleaning service. 

I live alone in a one bedroom, six-hundred-square-foot condominium. 

And I employed a cleaning service.

Every two weeks, first thing Monday morning (Tuesday morning on long weekends) my cleaning service magically appeared, just like a fairy godmother, and scrubbed my condominium clean to within a hairs’ breath of its existence.  I had only to write a cheque. I luxuriated in the arrangement, for you see – I am the world’s laziest person.

It’s the one character trait of mine of which I am inordinately proud.

That I am inordinately proud of my laziness is not something of which I am inordinately proud, but there you have it.

But we all know from our extensive reading of Greek mythology what goes before the fall.

Pride.

And then the fall.

Retirement.  And a dull thud of a fall it was.

Suddenly, well not all that suddenly, there was no money in the retirement budget for a cleaning service.

And I was somewhat horrified to discover that housework in all of its inconvenient forms, still needs to be done.  Bathroom and kitchen floors still have to be scrubbed.  Mirrors still need to be wiped down.  Carpets need to be vacuumed and absolutely every chacha in absolutely every nook and cranny has to be dusted.

And all on some kind of a regular basis.

And grocery shopping.  Well, that’s a rant for another time. 

And then there’s laundry.  Don’t get me started!

Try inviting friends over for a house cleaning party and you soon discover who your friends really are.  Sure, those friends are more than willing to share a cup of tea or a meal with you.  Pop a loaf of homemade bread into the oven and watch the line-ups start to form on your front porch.  But suggest that it might be fun to get together and tuck in to scrub a toilet or tackle all that grout mold and see who drops who from their calling circle.

So back to my original point. 

All of that time that is going to be freed up once you retire ….

Add housework to your “to-do” list. 

‘Cause housework doesn’t retire once you do.  More’s the pity.

And it’s not any easier or amusing to do housework when you’re retired.  In fact, as time inevitably marches on, housekeeping, even in its most basic form, is actually going to get more physically difficult.  The only bright note – you can do all of your housework in the middle of the week instead of trying to cram everything into a weekend afternoon.  Or on a rainy afternoon.  Or after you’ve been trapped inside for who knows how long during the coldest, snowiest winter Toronto has seen in many a long year!

On the upside, you can “count” housework as an activity accomplished on your daily schedule or to do list.

The downside, guess what you get to count as an “activity accomplished” next week ….. and the week after that …. and the week after that ad naseum.  (And I do mean naseum.)

As a recently retired friend lamented while staring down the business end of a mop, “what happened to all of that free time I was supposed to get when I retired!”